Kinda hoping to getting around to writing an actual post one of these days but just gotta let some steam out right now. I can’t really talk to anyone about this stuff and don’t want to anyways.
So much has changed in the past few months. I hate it. The friends I had last year aren’t all with me today and I miss them. Some of them I met just last year and they’re already gone. I met them through classes and really thought that I had built a relationship with them. Others have been with me for years and years. I just want them all back. But if someone isn’t going to put the effort in to keep me in their life then I don’t have the time to put in my effort either. I want them but if they don’t want me, that is their loss.
I spent most of christmas break in iowa city working ahead in school. What most don’t know is that I also spent it knowing that there was a possibility of me getting kicked out and not returning for the spring semester. For the last week of it I actually thought I had been kicked out. I didn’t eat or sleep. I sat in my room a complete mess. I thought my life was over. Through the grace of God I somehow was put on academic probation for another semester. Now I’m fighting for financial aid because without it I can’t afford Iowa and will have to drop out. But I’ve put my faith in God and just pray that he can get me through this as well. I’ve built a pretty strong case so far so I’m pretty confident in it.
School is going really really really well so far and I feel really good about this semester. I think I can get all A’s in my classes. Nobody trusts me anymore and they shouldn’t. I have lost their faith and I need to grow up and earn that back. The scare over break was just what I needed. I really have that fire and mindset I had back in high school when I was getting straight A’s. My confidence is back for the first time in a couple of years and I recently got meds for ADHD, anxiety, and stress. I feel better than ever.
The last thing I wanna get off my chest relates to the first a bit. I’ve grown apart from someone I thought was one of my closest friends. Part of the awkwardness and distance her and I is completely my fault I suppose and I’ll take the blame for that. But I absolutely hate when people feel like they can’t hang out with someone of the opposite sex because they have a boyfriend. We are friends. He hangs out with girls. What is the fucking problem?
i feel better now. whew.
Today’s lesson? Never leave something as soon as it’s done. You miss out on great opportunities and experiences.